The suggested alternatives don’t work though because they’re superfluously suggestive. We have a few ways to fine-tune the story. I’m not sure there’s an inarguable improvement but, to my taste, I see two.
“Well… You are what you eat!” She replied.
Pinocchio’s gaze moved slowly toward the school.
It doesn’t matter who the speaker is. If the reader is familiar with the original story and they assume correctly that’s fine. We don’t need the information for our delivery though. Dropping the reference makes for a cleaner read.
Ixnay the garnish. I considered “eager gaze” but that still felt clunky. Communicating the action in a way which mirrors the unspoken internal processing of the monstrous consideration itself leads to a more powerful realization for the reader. It now paints a scene instead of hinting how the reader should feel about it.
Part of my execution comes down to styling, and I’m particular, but packaging compact work for ease of digestion and letting the words rest as they fall leads the reader succinctly to our intended moment (which, as I understand it, is the purpose of the exercise).
The suggested alternatives don’t work though because they’re superfluously suggestive. We have a few ways to fine-tune the story. I’m not sure there’s an inarguable improvement but, to my taste, I see two.
Part of my execution comes down to styling, and I’m particular, but packaging compact work for ease of digestion and letting the words rest as they fall leads the reader succinctly to our intended moment (which, as I understand it, is the purpose of the exercise).