Argh. Alright sounds very dumb but here am I seeking for opinions to knock some sense into me.
So, I have this girl who is my online-only friend who I’ve been chatting with for almost 4 years now. We gotten really close and too close to call her just a friend. She termed that we might be in a situationship. My knowledge regarding relationships is 0 as I have no prior experience in relationships. So I’m learning as we go.
I’m enjoying so much of her presence with me chatting online that I think I am not doing any rational thinking, like, putting off stuff just to catch her online to chat and bunch of other stuff. I have recognised this having adverse effects on me so I’ve started to prioritise things this week due to which I have gotten very less time chatting her.
Today, being the weekend I wanted to spend all evening chatting with her with no limits on my schedule as it is a weekend. I have set these crazy expectations of just spending all evening with her doing nothing but chatting.
But to my disappointment, she replied late and turns out that she was out somewhere attending a party of her friend. I just told her to enjoy the night and acted nonchalantly. But insidesl, there is this huge disappointment that was crushing me.
I have started to think some very bad stuff like:
- that I should just let people be and enjoy being alone
- depending on people always leads to disappointments
- expectations should be curbed and always have low expectations about everything
- being alone is the best way to treat yourself
- stay away from people and indulge in alone entertainment like watching web series or movies at home
I know, very dumb of me to think of these things but on the other hand these stuff brings some sort of solace to my distraught mind.
Also as I have been learning about myself a lot since I’ve gotten close to her, I have identified myself being cynical, toxic(we always fight and patch up, not sure if it’s toxic I’m still learning), jealous and showing signs of limerence with anxiously attached relationship traits. Crazy package I know but I’m willing to get better and I feel the first step is recognising my bad behaviours. This is why I’m here seeking for opinions to knock some sense into me.
First of all, it’s great that you recognize unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior in yourself. That’s a great first step!
That said, a few thoughts:
You sound pretty young so I’m assuming some of this is just young kid angst and will smooth out over time. Good luck!
I agree that I am immature as other people have identified too here. But how do I get matured? Go outside? Form friendships? Honestly atp of life, making friends seems hard and sadly I’m not that young. I have finished my studies. Guess I’m one immature adult but hoping to be a better version in the future.
Thanks for the advice.
There is nothing about any particular stage in life that makes it hard to make friends. Some things, like school, can make it easier. But how hard it is to make friends largely depends on you, and how you interact with the world. It depends on your skills and your habits that lead to friend-making.
It sounds like you dont have those skills and habits, and that will make making friends hard. GOOD. Because you know what helps you mature? Doing hard things. Trying things you aren’t sure will work. Being scared and uncomfortable. Getting rejected.
Go out and make friends, and have a hard time making friends, because the difficulty of making friends will help you become more ready for a relationship
This is maybe not what some would consider great advice but “you aren’t ready for a relationship” isn’t really fair. As you said:
For me, a vital part of growing as a person has been experiencing the messiness of life. Failing and learning.
I’ve known the situation you described - planning things with someone you have a real interest in, someone who seemed interested in spending time with you. Placing high importance on the event in your mind only to have the event fall apart because it wasn’t a priority for them. Feeling upset and even jealous. I told her I was upset that she blew me off. It did not go well and she lost interest. That’s not to say this will happen to you, but my experience helped teach me to regulate my interest and my expectations because I didn’t want that to happen again. I also became more mature.
Yes, you should try to find a few friends if you don’t have any. Making new ones is hard but it’s important. I’m not exactly neutotypical and socializing is not something I enjoy most of the time. Still, it’s something that has been valuable to me. It’s kind of like a lower stakes relationship. You like them and care about them - you want to be helpful, do right by them, etc. If you feel clueless about interpersonal relationships you should make friends.
When my previous long-term relationship ended, she was very social and her friend group had become my friend group. I’d only had a few of my own friends and they had moved away or we’d been growing apart. When things ended, I needed to find new friends so I know how hard it can be. I recommend you find something you enjoy, offline if you can, and do that thing with people who also like to do that thing. For me it was board games, video games, TTRPGs, climbing, and hiking. I don’t love all those things but I can get enough enjoyment out of them for it to be worth expending the social energy maybe twice a week, if I had the energy for it. Eventually, after doing this for a few years (while I was in my mid 30s), I found a few people I got along with pretty well. They are now my friends. As a plus, doing things with them is less socially draining and keeps me socially active to a degree.
Regarding romantic relationships, you’ll need be the judge of whether or not you are ready. I think it’s fair to give it a try as long as you can handle failure in a healthy way and don’t have abusive tendencies. Obviously, every single one of my past relationships didn’t work out and I don’t think there was a single one of them where I could not have done better. They fucking hurt like hell but that pain taught me a lot about relationships and about myself. It felt like the end of the world, but it wasn’t. No amount of advice or self reflection would have taught me those important lessons without the experience and the pain of losing the love of someone I cared so much about. As long as you can learn from your failure - forge yourself into a better person - I think you can be ready.
I’ve been in a romantic relationship now for several years. My previous relationship was longer but like all of my other relationships, the failure and lessons learned helped me to recognize and improve on some of my flaws. It also helped me to to better understand and communicate my own needs and priorities. It all helped to create a healthier foundation for my current relationship.
Most people are a lot less mature than they think until they hit about 30. Find a hobby or activity that gets you out of the house and interacting with other people.