My father, who convinced me (16 m) at the time to move in with him instead of my mother when they moved. All 3 of the other siblings stayed with my mother. He then kicked me out the week I turned 18, a week into my senior year. Since then he stays in touch only to speak with his grandchildren (now going on 4 kids). I have never been anything but opportunistic and positive in our interactions. Regardless he still acts like I am a burden to talk too. Am now 37, and finally getting to the point I should accept it. I’m the complete opposite with my own children and can’t comprehend how someone could treat their child like this. How do I cope? It eats at me. I will answer any questions in depth if it will help in understanding the situation.
You are under no obligation to answer the phone.
It doesn’t sound like a you problem. Sounds like a problem with him. As such the agency to fix the problem lies with him.
Move on and forget about him.
My mom kicked me out when I was 18 and I was homeless for 2 weeks. She took me back in when uni started.
This is one of the reasons I don’t speak to hear anymore. At all.
This year, she sent me texts demanding to see me on my birthday. I did not speak to her. At all.
I am now waiting for her to die and for one of my siblings to inform me. Apparently, my sister (who lives in another country, we don’t talk much) is also done with her and doesn’t talk to her at all. I guess our brother will let us know.
What I’m getting at is that you are under no obligation to cater to people who don’t want to tolerate you in the first place. If a guy you lived with for a while was an asshat and demanded to see your children, you’d think he was demented. But suddenly he nutted in your mother once and now it’s fine? Family means nothing on its own. Family means you have a default group of people you interact with, but it’s up to each individual to actually be friends and allies with their family members, and if someone isn’t being a good friend or a good ally, and even is actively antagonizing you, then why do you still feel like you owe them anything? What do you mean “finally getting to the point you should accept it”? Accept him into your life? Why?! What good will that ever do to you? Oh sure maybe you’ll get to think “well I made amends before he died” once he’s dead. Guess what, if you’ve never held a grudge against him like you seem to imply, then it’s actually not up to you to make amends. Don’t tolerate bullshit from people just because they happen to be related to you.
Yeah Ghost those mofos, best thing i ever did.
I have a mother who used to act like she hated me a significant amount of time until a few years ago. I have a father who does not think I am that important. I used to think both of my parents hate me, or did not love me at least. I now have a more nuanced view of that. They are just people who are very damaged and almost handicapped in certain aspects. In any case, I think I might be able to understand your situation at least a little bit.
For me the most difficult part was not deciding whether to keep in touch with them or not. I mean, that is a very difficult decision and if your father is still hurting you, you should protect yourself. However, for me the most difficult thing is dealing with the damage.
I am not sure if this damaged you in the same way it damaged me. But if it did, I want to tell you that it is not your fault. Your father acting like he hates you is not because of anything you did and certainly not because of who you are. It is because of who he is.
A lot of children who are not loved or who are even hated by their parents think it is their fault. They think something is wrong with them and they deserve it. I mean, that makes sense, right? If it is your fault, then at least the world still is a fair place. And if something happens to a bad person you do not need to be compassionate, so you do not have to deal with any pain you are too little to be able to deal with. Also, you depend on your parents, so you cannot get too mad at them or leave. From the logic of a child, this makes sense.
And it works, it helps you survive. But once you get older, you keep thinking in the same way. You have a very low opinion of yourself and feel like there is something wrong with you or as if you are worthless. And to keep living in this way is familiar, you know you can survive that. You do not know whether you can survive the pain you suppressed all those years. Or it might still be so suppressed that you cannot even feel it. Until one day, it becomes too much and you start thinking that you might want a different life. You might not just want to survive, but actually live.
You do not discuss your mother. If you have a mother that was able to show you love, that might have had a protective effect. I hope so. But if you recognise this story in any way at all. I think it is import for you to know that it is not about accepting that your father hates you. It is about accepting that you are someone that did not deserve this. And that is very painful, but going through the pain of it, is the only way not to feel that anymore. It will free you from it and enable you to live more than survive.
It is a very difficult thing to do. I myself have not yet been able to go through the pain fully. It often feels too overwhelming, too much. However, after each small step I make, I already feel a little bit more free. I really think this is the way to cope with it. At least for me. It might help you as well maybe if you have similar feelings.
Edit to say that therapy can help a lot with this process. Others have said this as well, but I agree with them.
I’ve got a “father figure” who I’m not on speaking terms with. I’m in my early 30s. I am also a father. I have also tried to keep the door open and have been punished for it.
This is the part where I give you advice, but I don’t really have any. You’re not alone. Our generation had a large shift away from believing that respecting your parents meant that you had to do everything they said. Some people simply don’t comprehend that respect must be earned. I will make sure that I deserve the respect of my child.
