Uh, I should prolly add context:
i’m a turtle
Uh, I should prolly add context:
yeah but so’s lunchables. pyrrhic victory
neatly partitioned meats and cheeses appeal to me on an aesthetic level ok mfer
ham cheese. ham cracker. cheese cracker. ham and cheese cracker. ham and cheese
could even do it like a little big mac so it’s like cracker ham cheese cracker ham cheese cracker
shit there’s nobody says you can’t go like ham ham ham ham ham ham ham ham. great big ol hampuck just for me.
Yup, there’s three rules about food:
As long as you never break rule one and only occasionally break rules 2 and 3, you’ll have a good time.
One time a girl invited me to sleep with her, and I looked at her filthy pillowcases and bullshitted my way into sleeping on her couch, after countering her insistence with the extreme option of “if you’re not gonna let me sleep on your couch, I’m going home.”
I thought she literally meant actual sleep, and what she wanted was sex.
I slept on her couch and she sobbed softly through a closed door.
I found out about a decade later, from a mutual friend, that girl had the biggest hots for me and was gonna stop at nothing to fuck me.
Well, she was stopped by my obliviousness.
I was ace and sex-repulsed even back then, so even if I had figured her out, I prolly would have had a small panic attack and tried to go home.
Yup, I mostly just assume everyone except my wife doesn’t really want anything to do with me and that I’m probably a giant creep to everyone else, so I don’t make eye contact and I try my best to ignore hints lest I get them wrong.
The hilarious part of all this is that I’m asexual and sex-repulsed, and I’m one of the least creepy and perverted people on the planet, but try telling my subconscious that.
I even check in with my wife sometimes and ask her if she still loves me. She does.
I’ve bought a house, got married, published two books, do stand-up and host a small game show, survived two strokes, transitioned, and have a lot of friends who think I’m tolerable.
I’m a trans woman, so I just keep my head level, pretend I don’t see them, and just walk on by, lest some low-information voter think I’m a child molester and try to get me.
That said, children are absolute trash at paying attention to their destination and their environment, so when they inevitably cross my path in the dumbest possible way, I stop walking until they figure out they should go around me. That way I don’t accidentally kick the tiny knee-high humans.
I was one, once.
Too late, already married!
I know anecdote doesn’t mean data, but I met my wife on OKCupid. We’re both asexual trans women, and the notion of finding someone so compatible like that would have been terrible had we done it in real life, locally only. She was in Boston, I was in Portland. And asexual trans women are a minority of a minority, so it would have taken forever in real life.
Then again, OK Cupid has since enshittified.
I’ve mostly got English and Japanese. English is pretty hard. I’m just a turtle.
英語と日本語が話せる。日本語は簡単だ。亀だけです。
I don’t have any pockets on most of my outfits, but I have a holster on my left hip that holds my phone, my book reader, my wallet, my keys, and a glasses wipe.
I read a lot. But there’s also Slay the Spire on my phone.
(Also I guess I have bluetooth conductors basically permanently attached to my head so I can have music whenever I want, and a d20 ring on one finger, a wrist watch on a wrist, a pair of glasses to match an outfit, a pendant for the same, a hair tie in my hair, and a meter for a study. This is all automatic stuff though, and I just have this while I’m in my house.)
gently building rhythm guitar strumming, drums fade in
“You mean to tell me this species’ moon is just full of monsters, and it ejaculates them onto the planet in regular intervals? And they don’t really do anything about it?”
deleted by creator
If history is okay with our degenerate friend Fry here being his own grandpa, who are we to judge?
I’d turn into a big old land tortoise and then just be a turtle.
Benefits:
Well, did you do what she asked? Or did you stand there in the grocery store, excitedly posting on Lemmy, then milklessly return home?
Yeah but she’s a garbage human being.