I have been with wife almost thirty years. I wish it had occurred to me to ask this so many times before saying something. So many times.
I agree. Having a natural tendency to want to solve a problem makes us want to fix it immediately but sometimes it’s not the answer, when they just want to vent or someone to listen.
The general rule is that it’s ALWAYS the feelings stage unless you’re specifically asked for help.
this is genuinely great, I love support like that
See, I get that this is a thing, but I don’t understand why you just want someone to listen. What does sitting here, looking you in the eye and opening my ears, specifically do to make you feel better about the problem you’re having?
Lots of good answers so far. From my experience, most people know what the fuck to do or at least they know they have a few options, so they don’t need me to tell them how to solve their problem.
To specifically answer your question… sitting there listening allows you to figure out if the person needs to vent, talk out their options, validation about their reaction, validation for their own solution, social connection, to know they have a support system in you, encouragement, and sometimes, yes, advice or a solution. So to assume it’s only a solution they want leaves out a whole host of other possible reasons they might come to you. “I know I just need to send an email, I just wanted to removed about my boss being a bag of dicks”.
Because humans are social creatures, and we like to know that other people understand our pain.
For example, I might complain that I got a bad review as an actor. What I need is for people to say “Fuck that critic!” and “That really sucks man.” not “Have you tried taking classes to get better?” Sure, that’s objectively the correct advice but it isn’t what even the most logical human wants to hear when they’re upset.
i’m grateful he recognizes there’s a difference.
