I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible but it’s really hard.
Me and my bf have been talking since end of November so it hasn’t been that long but we got really attached to each other. I always had guys talk to me only for sexual stuff so it took me a long time to believe he actually cared for me for anything besides that. He is the best guy and most caring one I’ve ever met. During the begininning (when I was unsure of what we were) this was the first month, he asked me my body count, I got so scared and threw a fake number at him to see how he would react. He was so upset and was crying and I felt guilty and then told him the actual number and was even more upset but then was fine after a day or so. I felt horrible. After awhile I was still unsure of what we were (we’re 7 hours away drive) and was asking him “what are you talking to me for? What do you want from me?” And he never said boyfriend girlfriend but he said he can’t tell me exactly because he doesn’t know what can happen in the future with his work and all of that. He was scared of telling me something and then me possibly being affected by it a year from now… anyways, then I started feeling it was official. I have TikTok and have had some people say they’d send me money to chat (I know it’s dumb). I told my boyfriend if he would be okay with it as I was not sending anything of myself and he said yes. I was messaging one guy and he wanted nudes so I sent the fake nudes (my bf knew) and then instead of sending money he sent me nudes back and I was so grossed out and told him this isn’t the payment he said and then we argued and I blocked. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the nudes he sent. Moving on, another guy sent me money for doing nothing, just talking about our day and then my boyfriend said he’s not fine with it unless they are sending money through go fund me link (which I understand because he doesn’t like the attention aspect behind it). I said okay and I blocked him. I did request more money via email because I was dumb but never added back and only requested the one time the day after. I feel so stupid for this. On TikTok someone said they’d send money on go fund me if I give them my Instagram first. I thought nothing of it, I thought I’d give it, get them to send, and just remove. But then they sent a dick photo out of nowhere and I blocked. I felt so guilty and couldn’t stop crying. I told my boyfriend this and he was so heartbroken that I lied. That I gave my instagram out for money. Which I understand. And I told him that the first guy also sent dick stuff and he got more upset. He needed space and we were both in a rlly dark time. We decided to talk about it in person. By the time we were gonna meet, we were begininning to talk to each other more normally and he would make jokes that he made before (sexual and regular) and I guess I got my hopes high for thinking it’ll go back to the same
We met up on Thursday night to friday. When I got to the hotel we hugged for a long time and I told him I want to talk about it but he said he wanted to enjoy the night and he didn’t know what to say. I insisted multiple times but nope. We enjoyed the night and we did everything we usually do. The next day was also fine until I noticed he looked upset and that’s when it all came up. We cried a lot, hugged a lot. And I guess he just can’t trust me the same and he’s scared he’s going to invest more feelings and end up being more hurt. I feel so bad for my dumb actions and how it made him feel. I don’t know what to do.
I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me. I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay? We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt. I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.
No he never hurt me. He doesn’t care about my body count he said he just finds it upset that I didn’t see myself worth more than what he see’s. I was the asshole for texting people for money. I never wanted to see their fucking dicks I just wanted money and I did stupid things for money. I don’t know how to win him back. I texted him more but he hasn’t responded yet. It’s honestly eating me up alive. I have a very traumatic past with past people and my dad so that’s where my lack of love and self esteem comes from. He understands that. I just wish I can rewind the clock. I have been open to him with everything, I just didn’t tell him about that one first guy sending me stuff because I didn’t think he would care or how he would feel as I only did it for money. I see everything clearly now and I don’t know what to do. He’s all I have and he’s all I care for. I don’t want to talk to anyone else
It takes years to really understand another person’s trauma.
I suspect that this trauma is what’s making you feel so bad now, and the guy in question is just the conduit. Consult a therapist who specializes in both medication and talk therapy.
Why did he have sex with me and cuddle and all, and then the next day everything hit him and he wanted to end it . I’m going feral over this and I can’t sit on it. I wanna cry. I self harmed the other day after not doing it for years because I felt so bad for hurting him. I hate that he thinks I’ll unintentionally hurt him again.
HE hurt YOU. My heart breaks for you. He is immature and not worth your time, block him and move on with your life. It may be hard to see right now, but someone who makes you feel so terrible is not the person for you. I get the feeling that you want to be in a relationship more than you care about who that relationship is with. That is a dangerous, emotionally draining road that I want so badly for you not to go down.
You have value, you are beautiful inside and out, and love starts with you celebrating that within yourself.
But I did so many bad things :( I can’t bear to process it and it’s eating me up. I hurt him so much when they sent me pictures. I know I didn’t ask for it but it’s partially my fault for even texting them in the first place. I feel like an asshole
First, internet hugs 🫂
I can tell you are beating yourself up, I have the same tendency and know how easy it can be to slip into a spiral. Try to remind yourself that you are only human and to give yourself some grace ♥️
Now, please believe me when I say he is wrong to hold you accountable for the actions of others, especially since you both had talked about your intentions and he expressed that he was fine with it. The part he seemed most upset about was the pics, which is something you DID NOT solicit and is not a failing of yours.
You really, truly didn’t do anything too bad. You wanted to engage in conversations for cash, spoke with him about it, he was fine with it, and people outside of your control spun things up. It seems to me that when things happened that crossed the boundary that you both had set for this scenario, that you did the right thing and disengaged with the other person. If he still insists on holding you responsible, then he is a fool and not worth your energy.
I recognize that the feelings you have are strong, but I challenge you to try directing all that love that you have to give inward, to yourself. Treat yourself to a spa day today, get a nice lil treat, if you have a garden, either yours or a community garden, go and try to appreciate the spring blooms! The viburnum are blooming in my area and their perfume is so lovely. I can just sit there and listen to the bees hum along. Find some serenity for yourself and remind yourself that you are a worthy human being ❤️
Thank you. I don’t know how to stop beating myself over it. It’s been 4 days and this guilt inside me is eating me up. I feel like a bad person and that I broke someone I care about so much. I can’t believe he wants to end it over this. We are texting about our feelings and opinions right now but I’m still devastated. For some weird part, I’m kind of glad he hurted me at the end when I wanted to talk but he wanted to do sexual stuff because I feel used, maybe part of me thinks I’ll move past it quicker because of this? I’ve been used all my life, I’m kind of used to this feeling now. He knew everything about the old men, he just didn’t know up until 4 days ago that the first guy sent me dick pics and stuff and trust me, it traumatized me where I was physically gagging and saying ew. The most recent guy asked me for my Instagram and then he would help me so I gave it with no thought and sent the go fund me link and he asked for photos, said check my Instagram cuz I won’t send any (in respect to my bf) and he immediately sent me a dick picture. That’s where he got upset. That I didn’t tell him about the first guy sending stuff (but he knew that I was sending fake nudes so part of me thought he’d expect something to be sent as I was fake flirting for money)
After that happened I said no more sexual and that the second guy was actually just to talk and he actually sent me money, that’s where he told me he didn’t want me doing it unless it’s through GoFundMe. That’s why I didn’t think much of giving my Instagram. I was dumb. I made a mistake.
I just feel like a liar in some way? I have always been open and honest to him and I’ve told him so many things that no one knows. When I went out with my friend and her boyfriend and his roommate was going to be there, I even let him know that and asked if he was going to be okay with it. I told my friend if he wasn’t then I wasn’t going to go. I would never want to do anything to hurt him.
I hear you, I also feel things strongly and am my own worst critic, but just remember that self-flagellation isn’t necessary.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I STRONGLY suggest cutting all ties to him. I see the spiral he has put you in and nomatter what good qualities you might see in him, if he is making you hurt like this right now, it won’t get better. I tried to make excuses, or have more patience, or be more supportive, more flexible, all the bullshit for men in my past. You know what it did? They settled into a comfortable place of knowing that they could push me on something and I would back off, “because relationships are about compromise”. FUCK THAT NOISE. Listen to your heart, and recognize that he is the one responsible for your anguish right now. And I really really hope that you choose yourself over him ❤️
YES, please follow this train of thought and give it some serious consideration. You have spent the last 4 days worrying about him, but when you wanted to express your concerns, what did he do? He brushed you off and wanted sex. Girl, he is just another asshole. He doesn’t care about you even a quarter as much as you seem to care about him.
If I were you, I would break things off with him and never look back. And if you are open to the idea, I would try to just be single for a while. Like, years. Get in touch with yourself, and find a way to love yourself first ❤️ ✨️
I know I made a mistake and he knows it was just a mistake and that my intentions were never to hurt him. His main concern is that he thinks I’m going to unintentionally hurt him in the future which I’m trying to accept but it makes me so mad. He knows how insane I went from hurting him. I hurt myself, I was in the ER because I was so stressed and hurt that I was having so much heart pain. He knows this. I wish he could believe me that I’ll never hurt him again. We are sort of texting about everything, probably for closure and stuff. I do want him back but I am also scared at the same time. He means a lot to me
Please walk away from this man before he has you doing this to yourself again. Please, for the love all that is holy, please.